2012

Summer is coming to a close and FALL is starting! Actually, autumn officially started today, at 5:05 am or something like that. I <3 fall, for real, always and forever, best friends. October 1 is my favorite day of the year (tune in on Oct. 1 to find out why.) My favorite seasons are as follows:

1. Fall (because it kicks off the best 3 months of my life.)

2. Winter (because I get to sit next to fires and wear fat clothes like sweatshirts/pants all the time and use the weather as an excuse)

3. Summer (lake, cold beer, my birthday)

4. Spring (I actually love spring more than winter or summer, but for the purposes of this story we'll call it the worst)

^^reason #95278wr987w8qhg that fall rocks^^

Spring and I have a love-hate relationship. Spring is wonderful because even though I love winter, by February or so I am pretty much dying for just a little bit of sunshine to warm me up and then BAM, spring's there and birds are singing and I heart it. But spring sucks because you know summer is right around the corner, and every spring I'm like damnit, I meant to buy a nice swimsuit last summer but I never did cause I was fat and I spent all my money on other important stuff like oldschool VHS horror movies and the Acai Berry Diet. So then every spring, I have to come to terms with the fact that I will need to be purchasing a new swimsuit since all of mine are leftovers from high-school (better days for me.)

^^2007 Marlee, thinking she's fat. So sad, so sad.^^

 Me + swimsuit = traumatic experience for everyone involved no matter what, but it makes the situation worse when I'm slamming my girls into a PacSun bikini I bought in the 10th grade. Every spring, I literally swear to myself that this year will be the year that I bite the bullet and pay whatever I need to pay to buy an awesome swimsuit that makes me look hottastic and I'll be skipping down the beach in celebration, and then that never happens. Spring sucks.

So then summer rolls around and inevitably there is always an event that involves swimming of some kind (pool party, lake day, swimming laps) but no appropriate swimsuit to wear, and I am forced to actually shop for a bathing suit. I am always in a pissy mood when swimsuit shopping. I hate it only second to shoe shopping, which is quite literally the bane of my existence. This is why I have not been actual swimsuit shopping in about 5 years. I just order swimsuits from online stores (victoria's secret), which never ends well. I am REALLY bad about falling for the marketing strategies of companies (literally, this has happened one million times. To recap: 1) Proactiv 2) NutriSystem 3) Acai Berry Colon Cleanse 4) Every clothes catalog ever 5)Text message subscription for daily horoscope reading) but those are stories for a different day (and trust me, they will all be shared. Swears.)

Anyway, online shopping is great because I dont actually have to try on bathing suits (which, by the way, I think may be the grossest thing ever.) I can just look at the pictures of the hot models and be like OMG I LOVE THAT BUY CLICK BUY BUY BUY and then buy it. But it always sucks because in my head when I saw the picture of that bathing suit, I just put my face on the model wearing the bathing suit.

IN MY HEAD:

^^BUY BUY BUY^^

This is a recipe for disaster. When the suit arrives, I'm always so pumped to get it on, and then tragedy ensues. Disappointment, fear, shame, hatred, horror, death, failure.

ACTUAL REAL LIFE:

Thank God summer is ending and the time for splashing around-half naked is drawing to a close. I also learned this summer that I am too old to be wearing bikinis of any type. No 2-piece bathing suits for me anymore. I am 22 and I'm actually dead-set on getting a tankini next year, FML. In all seriousness though, I came to terms with this fact when I was visiting Cody's Alabama family and went swimming with his four year-old cousin.

Yep, 2012 will be the end of the world, and the Year of the Tankini.

Celebrity Status

I was going to wait to post this until tomorrow, but then I realized that as of tonight I am up to SEVEN followers *thank you, thank you everyone, no flowers please, just throw money* I decided to go ahead and post it. Today, I gave myself a celeb make-over to reflect my imminent celebrity status. Here's the website in case you are also looking for something to occupy your work spare time. I am so hot right now.

^^me as Kim Kardashian^^

^^me with Smart House hair^^

^^me as Katy Perry^^

^^me with lesbian hair^^

^^me as Amy Someoneidontknow^^

^^me as someone whose hair looks like Pinks, so me as Pink^^

^^me as Dolly Parton *top 3*^^

^^me as Lady GaGa^^

^^stay-at-home Marlee^^

^^not a good look for me^^

^^*top 2*^^

What is my favorite, you may ask?

^^Jerry Curl FOR THE WIN.^^

I emailed Cody with a picture of me as Lady GaGa. I wanted to look pretty for him, so I also used the make-over tool to do my makeup and such.

Happy make-overs, everyone!!

UPDATE: I told my dad last night that I started a blog. He has requested that from this point forward, I only refer to him as "Flash" to protect his privacy. So wherever you see "Flash" appearing, you'll know who I mean. Yes, this was a real request.

Credit Cards

All through college I thought I was way smarter than everyone else for not having a credit card. I was all, "HA, credit cards are for DAs that spend money they don't have." But joke's on me because now that I understand what a credit card is, how to use one, and why I need one... I have no credit history. Like, I have absolutely no credit history. And who knew, apparently you can't get a credit card if you have no credit history. And now, I realize that I actually DO need a credit card, like bigtime badforreal, to be a functioning adult. But I can't get one because I've never had one. Here's an exact copy of the email I got from my bank denying me for a card:

"Ms. Stokes,
You have been denied for a credit card because we cannot find any recorded credit history for you in the credit bureau. This does not necessarily mean that you have bad credit, it could just mean that you have no credit whatsoever. We suggest the following:
1. Build up your credit score.
2. Kill yourself."

I do not understand how I am supposed to follow suggestion #1?? #2 is pretty self-explanatory and thanks to you I'm beginning to seriously consider it, but isn't the reason I'm contacting you people to begin with so that I can make #1 happen?? Since being turned down by my bank, I've applied for cards with American Express, Capital One, and Discover. All of the conversations have gone pretty much the same.

I don't get it. I mean, I'm debt-free, I have a full-time job, I shower regularly, and I love dogs. With all the asshats in this country floating around on their ocean of credit card debt in their brand new yacht made of solid platinum that they just put on their plastic, you'd think these people would be fist-pumping to get me hooked up with a card. No way. 


My dad offered to co-sign on one for me. I'm 22. And also seriously considering this option. Go me.

Disaster at KOHL's.

^^my feelings towards KOHL's^^

I did a really stupid thing last Friday that was really probably only about 10% KOHL's fault and about 130% my fault, but I will be blaming it on KOHL's anyway. 

Things that anger me about this store to begin with:

1. Your clothes are like Target, but at least 1 step down from Target. They are cheaply made and about a billion times less cute. Everything there is made of this fake wool material that is super itchy and when you try it on in the dressing room you're all like "meh, I guess this isn't so bad, I could live with it" so then you pay $19.99 for this horrible poison-ivy sweater and after wearing it for longer than 5 minutes realize that it is actually Satan materialized as an article of clothing and you want to kill yourself.

2. The music in KOHL's is terrible. Friday, they were playing Colbie Calliat followed by some 80's oldy followed by Adam Lambert. 

3. It is a damn maze. That store makes absolutely no sense to me. There are clothes everywhere. You walk in and there are clothes in every direction you look.... left, right, straight ahead, on the toilet, in the parking lot, hanging from the ceiling, etc. JUST TAKE ME TO THE JEANS PLEASEKTHANKS


4. There are NEVER any bathing suits. GET SOME GD BATHING SUITS. I know they have swimsuits somewhere because my BFFL has one that I like WITH underwire (and trust me when I say this is a MUST, no string bikini can support these babies) but every time I go there for swimsuits, they're like "oh, we're kind of picked over right now but you can look anyway." And I'm all, "but it's December," and they're like "yeah, super busy this year."

5. I'll see someone wearing something cute and I'm like, "Where did you get that top??" And they're like "KOHLs, isn't it just to die for?" And I'm like hmm, KOHL's, maybe they're getting their act together after all. Maybe I should give KOHL's another shot. So then I drive all the way out there and it's just as terrible as it was every other effing time I've ever been to KOHL's, and I leave unhappy in my new sweater, $19.99 poorer and itchy.


Anyway, Saturday was the first Clemson football game that I was going to be able to go to, and I realized that all my clothes either 1. don't fit or 2. look like homeless people clothes. So I left work and decided I needed to swing by somewhere on my way home to pick up a cute new shirt for the game. Didn't want to go out of my way, so I racked my brain for places on the drive home. The only thing I could come up with was this brand new KOHL's they just built in Easley next to the new WalMart. I decided I'd check out the parking lot as I drove by, and if it didn't look too packed, I'd swing in and scoop up a new shirt real quick.


As I'm driving by, I see the WalMart parking lot is packed to the MAX, but KOHL's is surprisingly empty. I'm like YESSS, I'm totally just gonna swing it in for a second, take a look around, gonna be the best shopping trip ever, so fast and NO one else in the store.


As I pull into the parking lot, I just cannot get over how few people are there. I'm thinking that, being the supersmart superstar shopping queen that I am, I picked the perfect time to come. Just me, myself, and I. The first thing I think as I pull into the parking lot: they knew I was coming, they have a spot reserved just for me.

Then I'm thinking, man, this place is super dead. All the better for me, though.

There was terrible music blaring from the front of the store and huge advertisements about JLOs horrible new clothing line and I was immediately regretting my decision to stop here. But I decided to go in anyway.


I tried to walk in the right set of automatic doors, but they wouldn't open *red flag number 2* so I walked over to try the left doors and BAM, open sesame, I was in. There was a teenage girl standing behind the cash register at the checkout counter counting money, and she stared me down HARD before saying "Hi!!!!" in a really superfriend way. I was like wow, hi, nice to see you. I strolled on in and took a left toward what i thought was the women's section.


I could not BELIEVE how unprofessional this KOHL's was. I was trying to find the women's shirts, but there were boxes everywhere. Like, literally boxes stacked up in the aisles where people I was trying to walk. I was also very annoyed with the music as I am not an Adam Lambert fan, but I got over it.


I finally was able to peek through the fortress of boxes and saw that the shirts I was looking for seemed to be up near the front. I was not happy that I had to go back by the checkout though, sistergirl cashier had been glaring at me since I'd walked in. I bit the bullet and, with my target in mind, made my way over toward the women's tops.

As I'm passing the register....


Sistergirl Cashier: you ARE an associate, right?
Marlee: uhh, clearly not, just here to shop, duh
Sistergirl Chasier: OK well you're going to have to leave, we're not open yet.
Marlee: ......but it's 4:45 pm?
Sistergirl Cashier: no, like, the store's not open yet. we open next Sunday.

^^things begin to make sense^^

I complained about how if they are not open, they shouldn't have all the lights on and music on and the doors unlocked. And they should have an effing sign telling people that you're not open yet, because this was really misleading, and all I wanted was a crappy $19.99 poison ivy shirt for the football game, and you can suck on it cause I'm never coming back here again.


On the way out of the parking lot, I saw this:

Back Problems

When I was in high school, I was a mega superstar soccer player. Unfortunately, when I was 15, I was at practice and it was freezing cold and the ground was extra hard and I already had about 5000 bruises on my sides, and I went to dive for a ball but realized it was going out anyway so I tried to catch myself with my knee so that I wouldn't hit the cold, hard ground, but instead I just caused an avulsion fracture of the iliac crest apophysis. And the ball didn't go out after all and it ended up being a goal.

Let me break it down for you:

That was pretty terrible, but eventually it healed up and I was as good as new. Fast forward 1 year. I am now a superdupermegasuperstar soccer player, and we are at a tournament, and all of the sudden my back hurts. I was rubbing icy/hot on it, having people massage it, etc. For about 2 weeks, I just figured I'd pulled something in my back. My coach basically told me that this was all in my head and I needed to go see the school Athletic Trainer and have him take a look to see if this injury was for real or made up. This guy tells me I have lots of knots in my back, and that I am just "stressed out" and probably just need to take it easy for a while. Awesome. Clearly stress is not an acceptable excuse, so it's back to practice for me. But, surprise surprise, my back is only getting worse.


*1 month passes*


About a month goes by and I am constantly complaining and whining to my mom about my back pains. We decided to go see this magical sports massage therapist to see if she couldn't work it out. After an hour of massage (not the good kind either) she tells me that I have SO many knots in my back, and that she thinks I have a pulled muscle, so I need to give it 2 weeks of rest to heal.

*2 weeks of rest passes*


Still no improvement. In fact, pain worsens. So we bite the bullet and I go see an orthopedist for an X-ray. He's all "YIKES, your back's like, broken and stuff." And I'm like what? And he's like "yeah, your vertebrae is fractured, see??" I'm super pissed because all this time I've been told it's a muscle problem and people were looking at me like I was a crazy person, BUT SEE, I WAS RIGHT, IT WAS BROKEN. So he's all, give it a month and it will heal.


*1 month passes*


No improvement. In fact, GETTING WORSE, cannot walk normally anymore. I kind of shuffle around. Bending down is a hassle. Sharp, shooting pains when I stand, sit, lay, walk, breathe. I'm like MOM WTF IM DYING PLEASE KILL ME NOW. She's like OK, we are going to a chiropractor.

So the chiropractor takes his own X-rays to check out my fracture, and he's all "WHOA, your tampon is in the X-ray!!" (he didn't really say that, but my tampon WAS in the X-ray, and I almost killed myself.) And he's like "yeah, your back is definitely broken, but the reason it broke is because your pelvis is shifted like 2 inches to the right." I'm like WTF ARE YOU SAYING AM I DYING OR NOT. He shows me the X-ray:

I wish I could say that I was concerned about the fact that my spine was curled over on itself like a snake, or the fact that the right side of my pelvis was sitting a good 2 inches below the left, but honestly all I could focus on was my tampon front and center. Awkwardface. 


Anyway, here I am almost 7 years later and I am STILL having back problems. Today is the worst that it's been in a while. Not even sure what I did to flare it up. I felt GREAT yesterday.... it was nice and cool outside, I ate mac and cheese for dinner, life was winning.

But then last night something happened and today I can't walk. The chiropractor used to make me lie flat on my back on the floor with my legs propped up at a 90 degree angle for at least 1.5 hours per day to straighten my spine out. An hour an a half. That is SO long to be laying on the floor. And it's like impossible to watch tv like that.

I feel like an 80 year old crippled woman hobbling around all over the place. Maybe I should've kept those dentures I found way back when.

the Monday Monster

This is what I'm dealing with right now.

The Big Reveal!

Yep, I capitalized the title because today is THAT important. Today I am revealing the blog for all of the world to see because it is super awesome and I am kind of tired of writing to no one.

My expectations for this event:
1. To have 1,000 followers (minimum) by tomorrow
2. Free things
3. Overnight success (see 1 above)
4. Monies monies in my pocket
5. Make more friends than I have now
6. A book deal and movie deal based on my life story to air on LMN and starring Shannon Doherty as me
7. Supermodel status

Follow my blog so that all these things happen to me. I will be this happy:

Thanxxxx peace & blessings