Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Awkward Situations

OK, so I wasn't planning on blogging today, but then my life happened and provided me with material that clearly needs to be shared, so here I am, sharing the love to you.

Let me paint the picture for you:

It's Wednesday. Approximately 12:48 pm. I have already had a pretty awful morning, involving everything from traffic jams making me almost late to my first official day of work to a $96 parking ticket that was in no way my fault to awkwardly having the custodian mop the floor around my desk while refusing to let me get out of my seat.

At 12:48, I decide it's time to take my lunch break. Everyone else in my office leaves for lunch at exactly noon, every day, locks the door, sometimes turns the lights out on me, etc etc., but I bring my lunch and eat it at my desk. This isn't really by choice.... more just that 1) I am too poor to afford to eat lunch out every day and 2) I am too lazy to walk to my car to drive to get lunch. So, every day from 12-1, my office is empty and I get BORED. This post is not about me being bored, but I wanted to complain about it anyway.

Today, I went into the break-room where we have a really old, nasty refrigerator where I put my lunch every day. This thing is ancient. It is also disgusting. It has this goopy, grey, glue-like substance smeared all over the door, and the design makes absolutely no sense in terms of functionality. The refrigerator is the bottom part of the fridge, and the freezer is the top part, but there is only one, continuous, solid door. So every time you open the door, you open the fridge and the freezer. Also, there's never ANY room in this fridge. There is tupperware with food in it that has been in this fridge since the day I started work (June 1.) Finding a place to stick your lunch is like playing Tetris with Lean Cuisines and salad bowls.

When I walk in, there is a lady in the break-room already. I have never actually formally met this woman, but I see her around the office a good bit, and we acknowledge each other's presence. I had to heat my lunch up, so I awkwardly said "How's it goin'?" and put the tupperware in the filthy microwave. I put it on 3 minutes.  She was watching Days of Our Lives reruns, so I thought maybe she'd be too wrapped up in her show to force me into awkward conversation. I was SO wrong. Have you ever noticed how long 3 minutes is? It is SO long.

First, the most awkward and horrible series of commercials comes on. She has the television blasting since everyone else is at lunch, and we are both trying to avoid eye contact and act like we aren't bothered by the Mira-Lax commercial screaming about how it's RELIABLE relief you can count on.

Then, a commercial for new, extra absorbant, odor-repelling maxi-pads comes on. At this point, I'm ready to kill myself, but my lunch only has 1 minute left in the microwave and I HATE lukewarm food, so I decide to stick it out. As the television blares on about how wearing this maxi-pad feels like air, and it is able to absorb 4 gallons of liquid, and women everywhere are so stoked about its odor-repelling qualities, she begins a monologue that I may never be able to fully recover from.

Also, as a side note, has anyone else ever noticed how over-the-top maxi-pad commercials are?? They all sit and rave about all of the things that your maxi-pad can do, and all of the things YOU can do in your maxi-pad, but NONE of these things are things that normal people do, or things that a maxi-pad would ever NEED to do.

So as I'm doing my best to ignore the woman screaming at me about menstruation from the TV, worst-case scenario happens. As a general rule, I do not like to engage in convos with strangers, especially when there's no way out and ESPECIALLY when it's about periods and vaginas.

Awkward: "Phew, I sure am glad that I don't have to use those anymore!"
Marlee: "...........uhh, what, maxi-pads?"*awkwardly avoids eye contact*
Awkward: "Yeah!! Those PADS!! Ugh! I hated those things. Good thing I don't need those anymore."
Marlee: ".........................................."
Awkward: "Hmm, let's see, I guess it's been about......... hmm........................................... hmmmmm............................" *awkward silence forever* "..........hmmmmm.......................... thirty years? No, wait............."
Marlee: "Ohh, thirty years? Huh, interesting........."
Awkward: "Well....... my son is going to be thirty, and I had him......... thirty years ago....... (no shit).......... and let's see......... my first period was when I was twelve............ and I had my hysterectomy right after my son was born............. so thirty-five years?"
Marlee: *does not follow this math* "Hmmpf, yep."
Awkward: "Yep! 35 years. Right after my son was born I just told my husband, 'I've had enough!' and we drove to the doctor the next day. Man, I'm glad I don't need those maxi-pads anymore. Well, I still need them sometimes... after your tubes get tied, things don't work quite the same down there..........."

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Great Kitten Debacle

So about a month ago, I moved into this new house. Well, the house is not new, but it's new to me. It's a happy place where birds sing and fairies live in the flowers and all my neighbors are at least 100 years old and bake me fresh apple pies and tell me stories of the old days as they pass by on their walkers. It's like the cottage that Esme and Carlisle build for Edward and Bella in the forest.... adorable and romantic.

^^possibly not 100% accurate^^

^^maybe even less accurate^^

^^probably more accurate^^

My neighborhood is terrifying because, miraculously, all of my 100 year old neighbors still operate moving vehicles. Literally, the lady across the street from me cannot walk further than the distance between her house and mailbox, yet here she comes backing out of her driveway (yes, BACKING) in her Camry. Lots of times she forgets to close the trunk. *Transgression: This woman gets meals on wheels delivered to her house. I don't get it. I thought you have to be unable to operate wheels yourself in order to be eligible for meals on wheels..... I mean, if you have a set of wheels, especially a new Camry, then it seems like you wouldn't really need someone else's wheels to bring you food. Just an observation.* This woman has asked me six separate times whether I'm "all straightened out" and if I'm living "all by yourself in that big old house." ....I've lived here for a month, and my entire house is approximately the size of a large yacht.

Anyway, since moving in in July, I have had a few surprises and setbacks come my way.

First, the windows wouldn't open. We realized they were taped shut, nailed shut, bracketed shut, caulked shut, and painted shut. Solution to this was pretty easy.

Then, I found dentures in the closet. Solution: throw that shit away FAST.

Then, the toilet started overflowing and the shut-off valve was broken.

The solution to this was not so easy..... my mom and I ended up rebuilding 2 toilets when the plumber quoted us $500.00 to replace the parts. We learned our tricks from YouTube, videos titled "How to Fix Shit 101" and other professional instructional aids. Come to think of it, maybe that has something to do with where this story is headed.

Anyway, I got home the other night and, through a series of unfortunate events, found myself with a box full of homeless kittens. Well, only 2, technically. They were SO CUTE. I wanted to kiss their little faces and let them climb on my head and sleep in my bed with me.

So then I realized that they had LOTS of fleas. So, I did what any knowledgeable person would do and tried to drown them. Not the cats..... the fleas.

That killed some of them, but there were still a good many crawling around on their little kitten faces. I threw them in the bathtub to live there happily until the fleas were gone. I was upset about the fleas because until they were flea-free I couldn't hold them or snuggle them, so I just bit the bullet and bought flea & tick preventative. Within 24 hours, I had a bathtub full of dead fleas and two much happier kittens.

Things had gotten off to a rocky start with the kittens, but things were shaping up. Since they didn't have fleas anymore, they didn't have to stay in the bathtub all the time so that I could avoid getting feline AIDS or a similar flea-carrying disease. They had a blast destroying hanging out around my house.

^^reason #82536 that dogs > cats^^

I went to put them in their bathtub to get them settled down for the night and to go to bed. I had been wondering how long it was going to take them to realize that they are cats, they can jump, and the bathtub is only about a foot high... definitely short enough for them to jump out of. That night, they realized it. I sat on the bathroom floor trying to get them to lie peacefully in the tub, but as soon as I would lay one down, the other would jump out. I'd put her back in, and then realize that the other had jumped out. I was becoming very frustrated with them. I pulled the shower curtain closed thinking maybe that would stop them. They tore the shit out of my shower curtain.

As I'm sitting there on the bathroom floor, fighting with two kittens and cussing at my now ruined shower curtain, I hear a burp. It was a very clear, very loud, very gurgled burp. And then again. I realized it was coming from the toilet. I closed the shower curtain on the kitties to keep them contained (after all, it was already ruined) while I investigated the noise.

I opened the lid to find my toilet bubbling maniacally. The kittens, meanwhile, were scratching and clawing at the shower curtain, trying to get out of the tub, MEOWing hideously in my ear, mocking my situation. Little bitches. As I'm standing there watching brown, dirty, poopwater bubble up INTO my toilet, I heard a burp from the tub. Then, all the meowing stopped.

I pulled back the shower curtain to see what had happened. The kittens were standing there, huddled together on the blanket I laid down to keep them warm and comfy, trying to stay out of the rising poopwater that was bubbling up from the drain.

I guess this story didn't really have a point....... clearly the kitties weren't able to stay in the bathtub anymore for a few reasons.... 1. They realized they could get out of the bathtub and 2. There was old sewage poopwater in the bathtub. So then I had bathtubs full of poop, overflowing and burping toilets, and kittens running loose all over my house. Typical Tuesday night.

Here are some pictures of the kittens after I gave them yet ANOTHER bath to wash the poopwater off of them.

^^actual photo of the kittens in their prison, the bathtub^^

That story didn't really have a good ending, so here's a picture to sum up my feelings on cats right now:

Friday, August 12, 2011

Grown-Up Things

I have been REALLY good this week about doing grown-up things. For instance, I:
  1. Went to work every day, even though I didn't want to
  2. Worked at work (a little), even though I wanted to watch YouTube
  3. Packed my lunch for work every day with fruits and healthy shit
  4. Passed on dessert last night because I was full, even though I wanted it
  5. Spent money on things like insurance, bills, etc. even though I really wanted to buy fun things instead, like the entire box-set of the SCREAM movies on VHS
BUT, it's Friday. So, naturally, I'm tuckered out on doing boring, geriatric things like not skipping work and not eating Ben & Jerry's Phish Food for breakfast. It's tough being an adult. I'm 22, so inside, I feel like this:

But actually, due to my boring grown-up life, this is more accurate:

Anyway, Friday has come and I have lost all interest in even attempting to maintain the fasad that I am somewhat responsible and can be trusted with responsibilities outside simple tasks, such as blinking my eyes every now and then or not stabbing myself. I woke up this morning and apparently told myself, "Well, you're 4 out of 5 on days being a productive human being. You deserve a break." So, I decided to wear a t-shirt and a zip-up navy blue jacket I got from Old Navy for $5.00. It's a men's jacket. I have on blue jeans and Converse. I just looked in the mirror for the first time since 7:45 am and I resemble this:

^^may be an exaggeration^^

Anyway, here's how I know that I am not actually a responsible adult and that I shouldn't actually be trusted to do anything ever:
  1. I'm currently sitting here, blogging rather than working
  2. I'm trying to trick an 18 year old girl on Craigslist into buying an old futon for about $60 more than it's worth
  3. I know this person is 18 because I spent 20 minutes on Facebook looking her up....... her profile picture is her and another girl and says "*<3SiStErS!<3*" on the picture
  4. This was my lunch today:

There are a few things about this lunch that should be highly alarming to you. First, I'm eating Bowl Noodles. Adults do not eat Bowl Noodles. Preparing this lunch involved me tearing the paper lid off of the top of this paper bowl, adding a packet of brown stuff, adding water, and microwaving. After microwaving the instructions say "Add the Soup Booster and enjoy!!" though the tiny packet "soup booster," which is clear, snot-like liquid, is going to miraculously intensify my enjoyment of this crappy meal.

Secondly, if you'll notice, that's a fork sitting in the soup. Fork + soup = useless. Basic arithmetic.

Lastly, there's a jar of peanut butter in the background. Nothing says lunch like forking Bowl Noodles out of a paper cup, garnished with peanut butter. It's only 1:42 pm, and today is already leaving with me a feeling of WTF???? So, here's a whole lot of images to convey the sad, confused emotions I'm feeling regarding my life choices right now.


Thursday, August 11, 2011



I have no followers, so that's good, since this blogpost is only a test. Clearly, one day, I will have millions of followers and be famous because of the hilarious and witty blogposts I write in my not-so-spare time, but as for right now, I'm at zero. This is good......... as a general rule, I like my bars set low, no expectations, nowhere to go but up. 

^^ present day Marlee: rags^^

^^future Marlee: riches^^

Aside from the fact that one day I'm going to become gorgeous, rich, and famous with a life to rival that luckybitch Kate Middleton, blogging is a really good way to waste time at work. I've wasted time a number of ways today. I surfed the internet for a while, emailed a picture of Sean Bean to the boyfriend, and then had a fight with the vending machine down the hall. My office is freezing cold (63 degrees) and fairly miserable to sit in for longer than 10 minutes, and the vending machine is in the non-airconditioned stairwell, so I go hang out there sometimes like a homeless vagrant to warm up.

I didn't bring my lunch today, so I'm resorting to what I like to call my "Plan B Diet," or "Replace Lunch with Dessert Item." In my head, I'm thinking that whatever I was going to have for lunch was going to be WAY more food than a dessert item, so I'll actually be being MORE calorie-concious by replacing lunch with a Chic-fil-a milkshake or a Snickers bar.

Damn vending machine melted my Snickers bar. 



Note: I had to type "melted Snickers bar" into Google to get that second picture. Way too many pictures were of poop, so watch out of you try this at home. Then again, this may have something to do with the fact that my boss made me take my Search Filter off to search "Gross Feet" one day on Google images.

I should have prefaced that story with the fact that the heat index today is 103 degrees and the stairwell serves as a virtual hotbox with its no AC and huge windows, so maybe getting a melted chocolate bar shouldn't have been such a shocker. But we're not gonna focus on details like common sense here.

So then I did some work, printed some stuff, and now I'm back to procrastinating. Just got done eating "lunch" and it's only 1:02. Love it.

I'm going to be experimenting with uploading some stuff. Like pics, and other cool stuff. Or I could type like this. But why would anyone want to type like this? This is the worst font I've ever seen. 

SO anyway, THIS WAS JUST A TEST. Thanks for your cooperation. And, here's Sean Bean.