Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Great Kitten Debacle

So about a month ago, I moved into this new house. Well, the house is not new, but it's new to me. It's a happy place where birds sing and fairies live in the flowers and all my neighbors are at least 100 years old and bake me fresh apple pies and tell me stories of the old days as they pass by on their walkers. It's like the cottage that Esme and Carlisle build for Edward and Bella in the forest.... adorable and romantic.

^^possibly not 100% accurate^^

^^maybe even less accurate^^

^^probably more accurate^^

My neighborhood is terrifying because, miraculously, all of my 100 year old neighbors still operate moving vehicles. Literally, the lady across the street from me cannot walk further than the distance between her house and mailbox, yet here she comes backing out of her driveway (yes, BACKING) in her Camry. Lots of times she forgets to close the trunk. *Transgression: This woman gets meals on wheels delivered to her house. I don't get it. I thought you have to be unable to operate wheels yourself in order to be eligible for meals on wheels..... I mean, if you have a set of wheels, especially a new Camry, then it seems like you wouldn't really need someone else's wheels to bring you food. Just an observation.* This woman has asked me six separate times whether I'm "all straightened out" and if I'm living "all by yourself in that big old house." ....I've lived here for a month, and my entire house is approximately the size of a large yacht.

Anyway, since moving in in July, I have had a few surprises and setbacks come my way.

First, the windows wouldn't open. We realized they were taped shut, nailed shut, bracketed shut, caulked shut, and painted shut. Solution to this was pretty easy.

Then, I found dentures in the closet. Solution: throw that shit away FAST.

Then, the toilet started overflowing and the shut-off valve was broken.

The solution to this was not so easy..... my mom and I ended up rebuilding 2 toilets when the plumber quoted us $500.00 to replace the parts. We learned our tricks from YouTube, videos titled "How to Fix Shit 101" and other professional instructional aids. Come to think of it, maybe that has something to do with where this story is headed.

Anyway, I got home the other night and, through a series of unfortunate events, found myself with a box full of homeless kittens. Well, only 2, technically. They were SO CUTE. I wanted to kiss their little faces and let them climb on my head and sleep in my bed with me.

So then I realized that they had LOTS of fleas. So, I did what any knowledgeable person would do and tried to drown them. Not the cats..... the fleas.

That killed some of them, but there were still a good many crawling around on their little kitten faces. I threw them in the bathtub to live there happily until the fleas were gone. I was upset about the fleas because until they were flea-free I couldn't hold them or snuggle them, so I just bit the bullet and bought flea & tick preventative. Within 24 hours, I had a bathtub full of dead fleas and two much happier kittens.

Things had gotten off to a rocky start with the kittens, but things were shaping up. Since they didn't have fleas anymore, they didn't have to stay in the bathtub all the time so that I could avoid getting feline AIDS or a similar flea-carrying disease. They had a blast destroying hanging out around my house.

^^reason #82536 that dogs > cats^^

I went to put them in their bathtub to get them settled down for the night and to go to bed. I had been wondering how long it was going to take them to realize that they are cats, they can jump, and the bathtub is only about a foot high... definitely short enough for them to jump out of. That night, they realized it. I sat on the bathroom floor trying to get them to lie peacefully in the tub, but as soon as I would lay one down, the other would jump out. I'd put her back in, and then realize that the other had jumped out. I was becoming very frustrated with them. I pulled the shower curtain closed thinking maybe that would stop them. They tore the shit out of my shower curtain.

As I'm sitting there on the bathroom floor, fighting with two kittens and cussing at my now ruined shower curtain, I hear a burp. It was a very clear, very loud, very gurgled burp. And then again. I realized it was coming from the toilet. I closed the shower curtain on the kitties to keep them contained (after all, it was already ruined) while I investigated the noise.

I opened the lid to find my toilet bubbling maniacally. The kittens, meanwhile, were scratching and clawing at the shower curtain, trying to get out of the tub, MEOWing hideously in my ear, mocking my situation. Little bitches. As I'm standing there watching brown, dirty, poopwater bubble up INTO my toilet, I heard a burp from the tub. Then, all the meowing stopped.

I pulled back the shower curtain to see what had happened. The kittens were standing there, huddled together on the blanket I laid down to keep them warm and comfy, trying to stay out of the rising poopwater that was bubbling up from the drain.

I guess this story didn't really have a point....... clearly the kitties weren't able to stay in the bathtub anymore for a few reasons.... 1. They realized they could get out of the bathtub and 2. There was old sewage poopwater in the bathtub. So then I had bathtubs full of poop, overflowing and burping toilets, and kittens running loose all over my house. Typical Tuesday night.

Here are some pictures of the kittens after I gave them yet ANOTHER bath to wash the poopwater off of them.

^^actual photo of the kittens in their prison, the bathtub^^

That story didn't really have a good ending, so here's a picture to sum up my feelings on cats right now:

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