Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Awkward Situations

OK, so I wasn't planning on blogging today, but then my life happened and provided me with material that clearly needs to be shared, so here I am, sharing the love to you.

Let me paint the picture for you:

It's Wednesday. Approximately 12:48 pm. I have already had a pretty awful morning, involving everything from traffic jams making me almost late to my first official day of work to a $96 parking ticket that was in no way my fault to awkwardly having the custodian mop the floor around my desk while refusing to let me get out of my seat.

At 12:48, I decide it's time to take my lunch break. Everyone else in my office leaves for lunch at exactly noon, every day, locks the door, sometimes turns the lights out on me, etc etc., but I bring my lunch and eat it at my desk. This isn't really by choice.... more just that 1) I am too poor to afford to eat lunch out every day and 2) I am too lazy to walk to my car to drive to get lunch. So, every day from 12-1, my office is empty and I get BORED. This post is not about me being bored, but I wanted to complain about it anyway.

Today, I went into the break-room where we have a really old, nasty refrigerator where I put my lunch every day. This thing is ancient. It is also disgusting. It has this goopy, grey, glue-like substance smeared all over the door, and the design makes absolutely no sense in terms of functionality. The refrigerator is the bottom part of the fridge, and the freezer is the top part, but there is only one, continuous, solid door. So every time you open the door, you open the fridge and the freezer. Also, there's never ANY room in this fridge. There is tupperware with food in it that has been in this fridge since the day I started work (June 1.) Finding a place to stick your lunch is like playing Tetris with Lean Cuisines and salad bowls.

When I walk in, there is a lady in the break-room already. I have never actually formally met this woman, but I see her around the office a good bit, and we acknowledge each other's presence. I had to heat my lunch up, so I awkwardly said "How's it goin'?" and put the tupperware in the filthy microwave. I put it on 3 minutes.  She was watching Days of Our Lives reruns, so I thought maybe she'd be too wrapped up in her show to force me into awkward conversation. I was SO wrong. Have you ever noticed how long 3 minutes is? It is SO long.

First, the most awkward and horrible series of commercials comes on. She has the television blasting since everyone else is at lunch, and we are both trying to avoid eye contact and act like we aren't bothered by the Mira-Lax commercial screaming about how it's RELIABLE relief you can count on.

Then, a commercial for new, extra absorbant, odor-repelling maxi-pads comes on. At this point, I'm ready to kill myself, but my lunch only has 1 minute left in the microwave and I HATE lukewarm food, so I decide to stick it out. As the television blares on about how wearing this maxi-pad feels like air, and it is able to absorb 4 gallons of liquid, and women everywhere are so stoked about its odor-repelling qualities, she begins a monologue that I may never be able to fully recover from.

Also, as a side note, has anyone else ever noticed how over-the-top maxi-pad commercials are?? They all sit and rave about all of the things that your maxi-pad can do, and all of the things YOU can do in your maxi-pad, but NONE of these things are things that normal people do, or things that a maxi-pad would ever NEED to do.

So as I'm doing my best to ignore the woman screaming at me about menstruation from the TV, worst-case scenario happens. As a general rule, I do not like to engage in convos with strangers, especially when there's no way out and ESPECIALLY when it's about periods and vaginas.

Awkward: "Phew, I sure am glad that I don't have to use those anymore!"
Marlee: "...........uhh, what, maxi-pads?"*awkwardly avoids eye contact*
Awkward: "Yeah!! Those PADS!! Ugh! I hated those things. Good thing I don't need those anymore."
Marlee: ".........................................."
Awkward: "Hmm, let's see, I guess it's been about......... hmm........................................... hmmmmm............................" *awkward silence forever* "..........hmmmmm.......................... thirty years? No, wait............."
Marlee: "Ohh, thirty years? Huh, interesting........."
Awkward: "Well....... my son is going to be thirty, and I had him......... thirty years ago....... (no shit).......... and let's see......... my first period was when I was twelve............ and I had my hysterectomy right after my son was born............. so thirty-five years?"
Marlee: *does not follow this math* "Hmmpf, yep."
Awkward: "Yep! 35 years. Right after my son was born I just told my husband, 'I've had enough!' and we drove to the doctor the next day. Man, I'm glad I don't need those maxi-pads anymore. Well, I still need them sometimes... after your tubes get tied, things don't work quite the same down there..........."

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