National Coffee Day

Attention everyone: The world as we know it has apparently ended. Globally, governments are shutting down and economies are collapsing. Wait, that's just us. WELL LIFE IN THE USA AS WE KNOW IT WILL BE INTERRUPTED FOR:

Those of you that do not work in the world of academia, or those that live under a rock may not be privy to the fact that today, September 29, is National Coffee Day. However, today across the nation college students, university employees, day traders, and hipsters are jumping up and down rejoicing for the most celebrated day of the entire calendar year. The drive-thru line for Starbuck's is wrapping out into a nearby intersection, and people everywhere are observing National Coffee Day by digging deep into their hearts and wallets to purchase overpriced, mediocre beverages being made by 17-19 year olds with what I can only assume is love, attention, devotion, and care.

I, unfortunately, do not drink coffee, so I cannot fully appreciate the wonder of National Coffee Day. I think coffee stinks, it always burns my mouth, it makes your breath smell bad, and it stains your teeth. Apparently, this is blasphemy.

So since this holiday does not bode well for me, I've decided to focus on the lesser-known national holiday that also falls on September 29.

Still not sure how to celebrate National Poisoned Blackberries Day other than by eating poisoned blackberries, and I don't have any real desire to do that. So I think I'll celebrate by NOT eating any poisoned blackberries.

So I hope everyone has a wonderful Poisoned Blackberries Day, and don't be sad when today is over, because we have many more wonderful holidays to celebrate over the next few weeks:


October 1: National Magic Circles Day
October 6: National "Come and Take It" Day *um what?*
October 9: National Moldy Cheese Day *every day at my house*
October 19: National Evaluate Your Life Decisions Day *also every day at my house*
October 31: National Increase Your Psychic Powers Day


Happy celebrating, everyone.